One of the realities of life is that we can often tell much about a person by listening to them speak. It doesn’t take long for us to tell if people are smart, kind, witty or a Christian, just by listening to them speak. And James tells us in James 3 that the tongue is harder to control than a horse, or than a ship. Hence his admonition earlier to be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath.”

This is one of the biggest challenges that Christians have to face. Often, we need to learn to shut up, and often we need to know when to speak up.

When we speak, we often say things in the heat of the moment that we spend the rest of our lives regretting. Many speak their mind and are proud of it, thinking that this is what God wants and desires. Yet what they say in the heat of the moment, or sometimes even after careful reflection, can hurt others irreparably. Sometimes the gospel is not heard, and Jesus and God are not seen because of what people have heard Christians say. There is such a thing as “speaking the truth in love.” (Ephesians 4:15).

Yet we often don’t speak when we need to. Many are the times when we are encouraged to exhort, reprove and rebuke. Again, this needs to be done in love, not in hatred, animosity or the attitude, “I sure told them.”

If a brother has sinned, we have the responsibility to go and tell him. He oe she may continue in that sin, either not knowing or not thinking that anyone cares enough to challenge or correct them. Galatians 6:1–2 states, “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (NKJV). Yes, we are accountable to one another, and we need to watch out for one another, so we may not lose our souls.

If a brother or sister has sinned against us, we have the responsibility to tell him or her privately. Matthew 18:15–17 says, “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. (NKJV).

“But Tommy, that is hard. I don’t like to do that. I don’t like confrontation.” Like it or not, God commands that we do it, and that means loving the other person enough to do what is best for them, for you and for God.

If a brother is doing something destructive to himself, his family or the church, we need to tell him in love. He may not appreciate us pointing out his faults and may accuse us of meddling or being hypocritical. This is why we must constantly and continually look at our lives and remove any thing that would bring reproach upon the Lord. We may be accused of picking out a mote while we have a beam in our eye—make sure we have the beam out first.

As we follow the example of Jesus, we see that this is what He did. We must learn to know when to speak and when to be quiet. This truly is wisdom.